As if being a new parent wasn’t challenging enough, we have to deal with all sorts of ignorant questions. In the spirit of #AskAStupidQuestion Day, I’ve provided some (sarcasm-ridden) answers to commonly asked questions.
1. Does the baby cry?
Yes. All babies cry. It’s the kind of crying that makes you want to break down and weep for your own mother.
2. Does s/he look like mom or dad?
A newborn looks like wrinkled, conehead pug. That being said, she’s the cutest little thing you’ll ever lay your eyes on.
3. You look really tired. Why don’t you nap when the baby naps?
I don’t have a team of people willing to clean and cook for me. So, that’s what I usually do. Sometimes I like to spoil myself and poop with the door closed. If I’m feeling particularly self-indulgent, I’ll take a shower.
4. What’s that in your hair?
(a) Spit up
(d) Other food items
(e) any combination of (a) – (d) above.
5. You aren’t going to turn into one those frumpy sweatpant moms, are you?
Why, of course. That was the plan all along!
6. I just got a new puppy, and he whimpers all night long. I know what you’re going through. Isn’t that the same as having a new baby?
Great analogy, bud. The decibel level of a puppy’s whimper and a baby’s shrieks are probably about the same.
7. You’re a stay-at-home mom? Wow! What do you do all day?
I watch cartoons and eat Cheetos. During commercial breaks, I attend to the week-old child that lives with me.
8. Why don’t you let the baby watch TV?
I’ve tried but my newborn just isn’t into The Bachelor. Can you believe that?! Maybe reality TV isn’t his thing.
9. Can you fit into your old clothes?
No. I cannot. I hope you sleep with one eye open, my friend.
10. Are you coming clubbing Saturday night?
Sure! Let me put that in my calender.
Wednesday: give birth.
Thursday: help baby survive.
Friday: deal with watermelon-sized, engorged breasts.
Saturday: go clubbing.
If you’re constantly answering these questions, it’s time you found yourself some mom friends.